Another Casualty

Black and white

2011-11-11T01:33:00.000+08:00

i wanna be photographed in black and white
so take a picture of me in black and white
because things just look so

simple...

2011-11-05T19:14:00.000+08:00

A cover by me...

tumblr

2011-10-04T00:37:00.001+08:00

moved to tumblr for a while...

Superman

2011-06-26T01:04:00.000+08:00

Mah cousin brother Jonathan…just thought its a cool picture…… but he needs broader shoulders and bigger arms to be superman…..

saya kisah akan dunia yang tidak kisah

2011-06-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

jika saya tidak kisah lagi akan dunia…maka hilangla segala perassan rapuh dalam diri ini…maka bebaslah….tapi adakah itu yang saya mahu….bebas tp hilang segala-galanya? bersama emosi….ketenangan tidak pernah akan tiba selagi saya kisah akan dunia yg tidak kisah…

There is too much sadness in this world

2011-05-31T12:09:00.000+08:00

I am sorry but I have never meant to rant
Forgive me I have never wanted to say too much
Pardon me I sometime don't have a point too when I rant
I rant a lot in Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and mostly here
But I have something that I feel I need to share to the world
It doesn't matter to me if the world or anyone for that matter is not listening/reading
Today, I woke up quite early despite having a terrible fever the night before
I also had trouble sleeping, I slept at about 4 am
Well I always sleep around that time but considering I was sick I tried to sleep as early as I can
So I had my breakfast and popped some pills and I had this sinking feeling
I happened when I was watching TV after my breakfast
I was never really paying attention to the TV
I just don't like still atmosphere
I turned it on just for the sound
So my mind wandered to somewhere else and I realized

There is so much sadness in this world
That we as people never seemed to ponder about in our daily lives

There are so many types of sadness
And what I am thinking now is the saddest type
I think about my mother, my brothers, my sister, my father, and it makes me sad.
Don't ask me why.
I see an old woman walking on the street barely able to walk and it makes me sad.
Old people make me sad. It makes me wonder of how many years left that they have in this world.
That is why I wish to die young.
I see my grandma and I am sad. I think about grandpa I cry everytime.
I see my mum and dad working so hard it makes me sad.
See, there is just too much sadness in this world.
I know they say think positive, look on the bright side. Those are all bullshits. Pardon the language.

So why do I feel this way? I don't know and don't ask me.
Maybe I am just not happy at this point of my life now
But even if I am happy, I don't think that we should deny that there is so much sadness in this world
So many people are suffering, so many people are not happy
Today, I realized that. Out of the blue.
But you might have already figured that out anyway.
The fact that there is too much sadness in this world.

I think we should start caring, and say the words we should say and mean them.
Before it is too late. Because all we have now, wealth, money, people we love, all of that, will be gone from our lives one day.
Until later...goodbye for now.

P/s why is my whole family so curious when I want to go out? They keep asking questions. Well maybe because I rarely go out but still no need for the interrogation. Or maybe they think I'm going out with a guy? I'll just let them think that, it's more fun. Bye peeps.

All I need is some bitterness...Great!

2011-05-26T23:51:00.002+08:00

yeah i can be poetic when i want to…

i can write a poem and i can be really good at it…

to penn down my emotions…

how hard can it be…

its the simplest thing ever…

i just need to be honest with everything that’s inside of me

and then let it all out…

cos id only write about whats inside of me…

and about what people make me feel…

so yeah….i could be a poet….

and a great one too…

as long as i stay true to my feelings inside….

the hard thing is that these feelings inside are true….

so if there are bitter ones…

it might be as bitter to create beautiful lines

in a piece of paper

and write about it…..

thats one thing that keeps me from writing most of the time

it hurts thinking bout it inside

then i dont dare putting salt into the wound

by letting it all out all over again….

but one of the things i fear the most in the world

is losing my ability to write

scribbling meaningful lines about my life….

i dont want to lose that…

so heart….i beg you to be strong….

to set aside all the bitterness

and i can write with all of my heart…

peace out!

Being lonely is only a part of me

2011-05-19T00:02:00.000+08:00

this sums up exactly what i'm feeling these days,,,,

every word...every line...

and i don't even know why i'm feeling this way...

That Fateful Trip

2011-05-11T16:46:00.002+08:00

I'll tell you why it is fateful. It is because I never thought my cousins could be so freaking wild!

They were begging me for that trip since long ago. I think it was a forgotten time when they asked me to arrange for the trip.

So here's the story.

This guy here, his name is Arief. I think I made a post bout him several times already. Lemme tell ya, he has an amazing story.

Perhaps a tale I would tell some other time. So this guy over here...

Sorry upside down...dunno how to rotate

He begged me to buy him a ticket to KL whenever it was that's convenient for me to accomodate him while he's in KL.

So I thought him finishing SPM late last year and me finishing practicum end of April marked perfect timing for the trip.

I would book him a ticket late April and do all the arrangements. He's a big fan of that local band HUJAN. Big I meant MASSIVE fan of these guys.

So, he said he's main purpose to come to KL was to meet HUJAN. I thought oh, prolly he would check them out live and find time and places they would have gigs around late april and early May.

But he said, it's okay, just arrange the trip and he'll take care of the rest. Little did I know I was in for a ride!

Moving on, I asked him to bring along someone, anybody in fact so that he won't get bore hanging out with me only. Well he's 18 and I'm 23...bla...bla...

He asked around and this guy decided to come with him. This guy here. His name is Timothy

Lolz tryin out clothes at the official Hujan store (themorningrocket)

Once they have made up their mind I decided on a date that would be perfect for me. I picked a day a lil bit after post practicum so that I could focus on theme solely. I thought we sealed (my housemates and I) the contract of another year living in the house and so I reckoned i should not worry bout the house nemore. But that wasn't the case of course. Note that that was early February that I confirmed the flight dates for the boys and a lot happened regarding the house after that. Unnecessary details to put here.

Right!

On the day they were gonna land in KL I was quite excited but at the same time I knew I was gonna be in and out over my head.

Turned out I couldn't give all of my attention to them cos of the house and finding new tennants and all of that stuff.

But I did went on unforgetable journeys with them. Now Arief he's the wild one. He had his intention focused and straight to one thing only. Which is to meet the band.

He contacted all of his HUJAN RAINGERS comrades and they were gonna try their luck (be it die or die tryin) on meeting each and everyone of the band members.

But the other guy, he was in on it also, he is a fan of the bands but he had his limits. Arief and the rest of his raingers friends were willing to go to great lenghts in order to meet the band.

The waited till early morning in a recording studio. Rode LRT'S, Monorails, Trains, busses, and so on to get to where they wanna be.

And they (Arief) did meet all the members of the band except one cos he was in Indonesia at that time. But buy what a journey just to get there.

I was so freakin tired just to make sure both of them were alright. Timmy and I were just compromising with this guy's determination and unrealistic goals.

The most incredible day was I didn't know how, and I didn't remember how was it that we were able to sit and hang out all around KL with Noh Hujah the lead singer himself.

So Noh called Arief that he promised him that he would meet up with him at Pavillion on Monday. Just perfect timing since out flight home was the next day.

(How he got Noh Hujan to call him is a long story itself) Its just incredible I tell ya.

We hung out with Noh and the bass player in which they have met a few days before and they were even taking pictures of us. And Noh asked for my phone number.

Not that I am a big fan of the group but it was sorta cool don you think??

So they watched movies withe the guys and everything paid for by the band. I couldnt go see the movie with them cos I needed to pack my things beside It wasnt really my thang!

And I just let the boys had their last fun. It was the prefect climax after all the tiring drama.

Both the boys were fighting with each other because they have different agendas, getting lost in KL, traffic jams, it was all worth it. And he was actually a nice guy. At least he made sure my brothers were okay.

So here are some pictures. I did take pics with Noh but it was using the Bass player's Iphone. So dunno how I can get those from him.

The boys

And i love them to bits!

Raoming around KL

KLCC Park...

With the other raingers

Kids Nowadays!!

Now here we go...with the band!!

With the man himself Noh

These two are members of the band also

For a friend

With members of the band

With the rest of the raingers and the band

CD's

Hujan member

Lepaking and autograph session at mamak

At pavi waitin for their movie

Believe it or not he helped one of the members search for this car...i had a part in finding this too hehe

Quite nice guys

US (finally)

Home finally...kk airport....

So that's that....

Stumbled Upon

2011-05-10T22:30:00.000+08:00

He's kinda hot don't you think?

Another former Akademi Fantasia winner

I was always fond of him when he was in AF

Well I kinda have this thing for AF

It all can be traced back to the first AF ever

But it's a long story to tell here

I don't usually listen to their music afterwards

For the later AF's I only watched them to amuse myself

Let's just focus on why I posted the video

He was a former member of a famous nasyid group

Don't remember the name

I dunno but I kinda have this thing for these kind of guys

'THESE KIND OF GUYS' lolz dunno what to name the type

I even think the Ustaz in the school that I did my practicul kinda cute

That is just wrong I know

I was a big nasyid fan back in the day lemme tell ya..

I was a big fan of RAIHAN and others

But again lets get back to this

I stumbled upon this and aint he HAWT?!!

I think he is..

Nuff said..

P/S I think it's a great song too....

In the words of Taylor Swift “Forever and Always”

2011-05-10T21:58:00.005+08:00

Well,

My former students and I, we crossed path with each other quite unexpectedly.

At least for them cos I kinda knew I was coming but to be fair I didn't know that they were going to be my students.

That four incredible months! Yes! I can finally call the experience incredible* now that it's over.

They say you don't know what you have until it's over. That sort of applies to me in this whole practicum journey.

I shall start of with the most horrible ones but I reckon I shall not because I promise you I am not goin to be able to stop.

Of course, in life I will encounter a few bumps on the road.

There are memories that I am not very fond of and there are memories or occurances that I will keep with me untill the day I die.

Let's just leave it at that. No need to explain more.

All are, if I'm being honest, unexpected ones. But in a good way.

Some I just don't want to remember. The physical and mental torture I am just going to leave them all behind me.

Worst of all was being judge all the freaking time by everyone.
Having this feeling where (speaking metaphorically) trying to look as fine as possible before walking out the door cos worried of what people would think not cos you wanna look good for your own sake. Well I just don't want to remember bout that.
In fact, the things that I gain in the end, literally I say, on the very last week, last day, and last moment with them overshadowed all the torture I have been through.

I have to say, teaching in Seafield is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

I am just sad, but not regretful, just sad because it all came a little bit too late.

Which brings me back to the saying you don't realize what you have till it's gone. (I rephrased it in another way here, but who cares, still has the same meaning)

Us human, we always want the things we don't have and we end up overlooking the things we have in front of us.

So, here I am, amazed and intrigued on how time moves in silence. Leaving us all behind.

Sometimes, I wonder if I just stay silent for a tiny moment, perhaps I could hear time moving in the moment, in the motion.

And by that I could capture time and keep it for later days. For when I'm missing. But it's all just inside my head.

My thoughts, dreams.

In reality, all I have is the after time, the time in which soon will be a forgotten past. Me, a forgotten figure.

Rewind. Turning back. Those are all dreams. The lingering things inside my head.

Funny. In that whole four months, I only thought of turning back one particular day. And its not ever in the period of the four months.

It was after that.

I am not taking back what I said about not wanting to change anything if I could nor to the fact that I don't appreciate all the times I had with them in class cos I do.

But, suppose so, if someone ask me per say...I wanna rewind only THAT day.

That last moment that made me realize everything.

How I realized I changed thoughts and minds and most importantly how they changed my thoughts and minds. Forever!

Well, I sorta realized all of that during the last day also but THAT day only made it so beautiful and hard to let go.

So, again, my last moments with them. Not much pictures captured cos I was overwhelmed with emotions.

I'm a very emotional person if you don't know me already.

You should see for yourself the amount of crying and tears I shed during the whole process.

Nevermind that.

Some pictures taken using my humble phone.

Just to make this post a tiny tad interesting I hope. Because words are sometimes boring.

It was Hari Sukan. And other pics thats related!

Next are from Cross Country, more like after cross country

And these few are from a corner of the school that I really like. Not the most secluded place but I dunno why it appeals to me.

More to come I guess....

P/S gonna miss the school...

And missing my students already...

Until Next Time (If ever)

2011-05-06T03:25:00.001+08:00

So this is a post about practicum!

I know refering to this post.... CLICK TO GO

I wrote that I would be writing about my practicum experience as it went along

But obviously, that didn't happen and it's because of a few unfortunate agendas of mine.

FIRST

Practicum took up a lot of my time and most of the time when I was not in school I would be tired as hell.

Expressing thoughts and mind when I was dead beaten would mean that I would only see the bad in everything and forget about the good ones.

This is so true because mostly during practicum I would only care about trying to get everything over as fast as I can and now that it's over that I see the bigger picture.

I see the true beauty of it.

I found out that I touched people. My words made an impact at least to a few if not all.

I never thought me, yes me, and the things that I did and the words that I said during my time at the school would ever be heard. Because it only came from the heart.

Each word and action, every single bit came from my heart because I didn't know any other place to take it out from. I only talked to them straight from my heart and hopefully straight to theirs with a few bumps on the road of course.

So no regrets though. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it the same way. Life's too short I know.

SECOND

What intrigued me the most was that these kids have thought me more than I could ever teach them.

And the beautiful thing about that is they don't even know it themselves.

How they changed my life tremendously and how seemlessly they let me into their world even a tiny bit

But sadly I didn't get to write about it in the heat of the moment because I only knew the fact for sure on the last day that I was with them

Some say there will be more time to talk about them but they don't understand that it will never be the same

But like i said, if I had to do it all over again, I would change nothing.

But they are my very first students ever and that is something not anycane can take away

They took my heart and I now desperately need to be close cos how can I live without my heart

So...

Until next time...children of devils!

Maybe it’s Time

2011-05-06T03:23:00.001+08:00

Perhaps

It is time for life to be back to what it was before

A moment for me to come back to the life I was leading before

Don't get myself to be so used into this life that is so good to be true

Was it a new life? Or just a different kind of life that's actually temporary

That I'm going to have to come back to the old one after everything's over?

How about the new ones and also the old ones that I come to know during the solitude?

Are the new ones forever will be my solitude? My casualties?

Or should I just let them be and leave them behind although my heart is heavy to do so

Because they were well off without me before

I was just a passer by in a moment of perhaps will be a forgotten time in the new future

The new future that I am terrified to muster when the time comes

I put and stored them inside my heart and I would never relish them although I am no longer in theirs

They will be forever in mine and they took up a lot of storage space that my heart is as heaver as ever

Even if I was ever to let go, I can never ever have the courage

That would crush me, bring me down to the very fragile core of my distant beating heart

Pehaps though

Maybe though

It's time

But never ever tell me this is easy because maybe it's TIME!

Which leads me back to the question

What kind of a life is this that I'm leading anyways

Whatever it is it's the life that I'm living....

Post this in my Tumblr long2 time ago...Enjoy!!!

2011-04-25T16:46:00.002+08:00

Some of my stats in facebook…whenever i was mad…

dayum i curse a lot

click link below to see

http://anothercasualty.tumblr.com/page/8#1421869581

Another One

2011-04-17T02:05:00.000+08:00

Yep its me.....

2011-04-17T02:04:00.000+08:00

Shouldn't the world stop? Don't they know what has happened to me?

2011-04-12T09:11:00.001+08:00

Last night it was the worst day of my life. I was so tired and as I was going out of my car to open the front gate, my knees were trembling and I almost fell on my knees. I swear I was that tired. I was tired and hungry. But they said the others wanted to have dinner together. I knew how long that was going to take and so I put my tired head on my bed in front of my laptop trying to stay awake because I knew if I fall asleep I would never be able to wake up till morning. But, of course I ended up falling asleep no matter how hard I tried to stay up by watching viral videos on youtube. Then, I was woken up saying the others were ready to go and so I forced myself to get up. I swear I was just tired and I just wanted to eat and that was it. But one thing led to another and that was it. I should have just stayed home or bought something for myself when I knew in the first place what was gonna happen. So, I made every one's night miserable. But, I just want to make this clear hoping that my friends won't hate me. Any other day I could just get on with it. Make fun of the whole situation. But not last night. I was just too out of it. I know I'm a terrible person.

Entrusted in Black and White

2011-02-21T21:52:00.000+08:00

I feel distance
I feel space
I feel a gap that is enormous
Not generation
But between hearts
And hearts compared
are the last thing you want
In a world that's entrusted
Where black and white is the only way
You know me by name
But you don't know me
Inside and out you don't
My pain, my glory, my dear heart compared
You I belittled in that sense
Because there is no possibilities
bright enough for you to even find my heart
So I stray far
Instead of drawing near
For your heart I don't even know
where you have stored your pain
and when do you do your glory dance
Although this heart's desire are longing
But when everything has to be
in its written blurry form
I don't dare
I don't have the right to
And it kills me because your heart is blind
See you and me we're just the same
It's not about what's black and white
It's about believing
and staying true
In a world entrusted in black and white

Mum Bday Nov 23rd last year....

2011-01-23T05:05:00.000+08:00

Between the brother and the mum…and between the sister and the mum

I found this really silly

My brother and sister sent her wall posts and here they are..

My brother is 22 and mum treats him like he’s 9

My sister well…pura2 nice saja…manada kasi kemas bilik tuh…i remember that day

as for me and my other brother…i think we forgotten….hmmmmm…sorry mum…hppy belated…..i love you…..

Alvin Bryan Abun Tonyniari pulak bupday mami…. baru sya tau…. fesbuk memang sangat berguna….
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY…. mulai niari sy ingat… hahahahaa…..

November 23, 2010 at 1:38pm · Like · Comment · See Friendship

- Thea Cheong Kiam alahai koboi mami ni .. kau tidak ingat bday mami kau…bah nda apa la.. boi belajar rajin2 ah.. mesti dapat semua A result sem ni..ok.. nanti bagi tau mami bila boboi habis kelas jepun tu…ok.. jangan pigi jalan di pantai ah…
  
  Emilly Christal Carol TonyHappy Birthday Mummy ;D
  November 23, 2010 at 5:53am · Like · Comment · See Friendship
  - - Robert James CheongKiam Hapy Birthday Datin!
      God Bless u…November 23, 2010 at 7:43am · Like
    - Thea Cheong Kiam ok bah… pray for anty happiness.. god bless u all @ kg..November 23, 2010 at 1:32pm · Like
    - Thea Cheong Kiam milly… sudah kau kemas bilik ka?November 23, 2010 at 1:32pm · Like
    - Emilly Christal Carol Tony sudah mum, lama uda..November 24, 2010 at 6:36am · Like

Practicum

2011-01-11T02:09:00.000+08:00

I guess I will be one of those people who will be posting about my practicum on a daily basis. We'll at least I'll try. Why? Because I think this practicum thing I'm doing right now could be the turning point of my life. So if ever I have doubts on what I want to be in the future (which I am pretty certain I will) I could just look back on this. And hopefully this will help me decide. Well, no post today though. Maybe tomorrow. I have jotted down something about the first day. I guess I'll have more time to post it here later today because I slept the whole day today. Wait for it...hehe...
As for now, it is crucial for me to sleep. 6am again tomorrow!

I Guess I was Tagged...by Mira

2010-12-25T23:01:00.001+08:00

The last person to hurt you apologizes, do you accept?
Yes...some thing i won't forget tho...

Last person you kissed calls you, what do you say?
never been kissed

Do you pass out at the sight of blood?
no, not really....but i cant look at severe disgusting wounds..

Is there anyone you couldn’t live without?
err is this rhetoric? should i answer this....i think u already know the answer

What are you planning on doing after this?
take a shower

Have you ever slapped someone?
no, never been in a fiss fight also...i would love to have one...anyone?

Will tomorrow be better than today?
tomorrows boxing day...of course...guess im gonna get a haircut

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
no! i have never been good around people

What is worse, physical or emotional pain?
emotional...tho i have low tolerance to physical pain....a slight scratch would be a real pain

When’s the last time you had a real smile on your face?
seriously i dont know

Whose car were you in last?
dad's

How long is your hair?
2 inches below my shoulder

Last movie you watched?
Social Network...Great movie...but now facebook disgusts me

Who were you with?
by that u meant to the movies with? emmm alone....for the first time ever

Last thing you drank?
ice milo

Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
YOU!

Have you ever seen a dead body?
DUH?!

How long do you think you will live?
I wish to die young...tho I am afraid of dying...its one of my biggest fears...im afraid it will hurt...

Person you want to talk to?
none!

What was the first thing you did this morning?
sleeping...i woke up at two PM...and its christmas....

The color of carpet in your bedroom?
no carpet...just plain brown strong wood floor

Last person you went out to dinner with?
we rarely go out to dinner....

Are you spoiled?
YES! yes i am!

Do you drink lots of water?
No...its disgusting....i drink it only if its icy cold

How do you vent your anger?
i throw stuff.....

Who was the last compliment you received from?
i dont remember

When was the last time you threw up?
a few years back...and i dont think i should tell everyone why hehehe (evil laugh)

What theme does your room have?
green all over

Are you a mama’s child or a daddy’s child?
when i was little i was a daddys girl....followed him wherever and whenever...from him that i learned all my mad skills....now....i dunno

Would you ever join the military?
Yes...i guess...i love the thrill...but not crazy about dying in a war zone and strutting ur stuff in the jungle...

The last website you visited?
Facebook

Who was the last person you took a picture with?
I camewhored....

Last person you went to the movies with?
i went to watch social network alone for the first time ever....and deathly hallows too cos no one would go with me as i was gonna watch it for the third time

Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
forward no! right here right now is good

What are you looking forward to right now?
taking a shower and tomorrow

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
yes...but not this one particular person....shocking huh...i tend to forget easily

Do you get along with boys?
no!

Do you think you’ve changed over the past year?
a little...not keen to talk about it...cos i have disappointed myself

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough?
a lot of chances......and it tends to eat me up inside...i dunno why i let that happen often

How late were you up last night?
twittering and youtubing till 3 am i guess

Do you believe in love?
yes

Did you kiss or hug anyone at all today?
no...but last night yes...during christmas mass....this aunty gave me a huge2 hug...i was kinda touched because she was really emotional during christmas eve....beautiful person she is.,,,,

Song you wanna live in?
Where i stood....Missy Higgins.....I want to feel like somebody wanted me so much that i had to let him go...

FINISHED....happy reading...
Mira thanks for tagging

Pretend by Lights (A Cover by Me)

2010-11-28T23:21:00.000+08:00

All Souls' Day

2010-11-02T17:32:00.003+08:00

Today 2nd Nov is All Souls' Day
May your soul rest in peace Granpa
And also to those who had left us...
We miss you...

A special post

2010-10-14T20:35:00.001+08:00

Cuzzie

Arief

cuzzies

Left Timothy

Right Arief

Raya 2010

Suddenly

2010-10-14T09:56:00.000+08:00

Suddenly something made me post these

Probably i just miss them..

Granpa's gravestone up and standing

Pic:

Cuzzies

Shermaine & Shane

The girls taking a snap beside Grandpa

Left, Cuzzie Shermaine

Right, Sistah Emilly

Camwhoring at the bookstore

Left, Cuzzie Timmy

Middle: Cuzzie Shermaine

Right, Sistah Emilly

Left, Emilly

Right, Shermaine

Snapping it in one of them mirrors

Cuzzie, Arief aka Didie

There are pain in the arse sometimes

But they fill my world with love..

xoxo

Certain and uncertainties in life

2010-10-08T15:08:00.001+08:00

Certainty brings you joy
A certain kind of relief over something
For some people it could keep you going for a few more days
But it also depends on what kind of certainty it is
If you're certain you only have 3 more months to live
Then it is better to have uncertainty in life

There are so many uncertainties in my life right now
As you may know, life is grand isn't it?
And as you may know also the statement before is a sarcastic remark
A sarcastic remark of who else but my own life
I can't lie that I wan't some kind of certainties in my life
I repeat "some kind" of certainties
But the problem is I don't know where the hell am I gonna get them
Woah...the beauty of life...
Mind you that's another sarcastic remark of my own life

At least, as in right now there is one certain thing that I'm sure of
That is I'm going back to Sabah on the 21st of November
I don't know whether it's early or late whatever
But no doubt anymore that, that is the date for me to go back
It's the cheapest and I am not complaining
I am not that eager to go home anyway
Not that eager but I kinda need to decide on a date
Or else I am going to have to pay another 600rgt for flite tix again for booking at the last minute
Yeah, air asia, self-proclaimed pioneer of cheap flite fair airline
Wah so cheap!!
Plus, as in right now also, I desperately need something certain or else I might break
So I'll take this for what it is..

As for uncertainties, try mentioning anything and I can answer you before you could blink
For instance, right now I'm still thinking whether I wanna go to the Showdown of Champions or not
The tennis thingy where Martina Hingis is playing
Only because it's about to rain already and I'm not 100percent sure whether I could get in
And I don't think there is a roof in Stadium Shah Alam
Don't think that the stadium has the kind of high tech system where the roof is portable
Can be closed when it's raining or when it gets too hot
You know just like in Arthur Ashe, Rod Laver Arena, or Centre Court
I doubt it..
Even by any chance there is a roof it will be only in the court area and not in the stand
So I'm gonna be soaking wet even tho I have the biggest umbrella or raincoat ever
Plus, I probably will be going alone.....
So in that part there is a big maybe
I don't wanna be wet and worse raped by a bunch of CERTAIN horny men or guys...

So there you go....
Later...xoxo

Who you are is what you dream of..nothing less than that...

2010-10-06T23:20:00.000+08:00

Cant wait for life to be as it was before
Young and younger
And change whoever i was before
Because whoever i was before was a reminiscence
Of a not so distant future that I never wanted to have
Which is now

Can't wait for my dreams to come true
Your dreams make up for who you really are
And also make up for everything you have been fighting for
Look way deep inside in the far corner of your heart mind and soul
And may you will find your dreams

For I don't or refuse to dream another dream
Because I don't want to be less than who I am
As in right now though
I don't know who I am
In this world

This world seems so real
To the point where functioning as who you are is just humanly impossible
So i think it's true that your dreams are who you are
You're dreaming of you

Trust in me that
It is just not worth every moment
To be living in this God forsaken land
And saying you are who you are and not anyone else
I know they are all lies...

Why Love?

2010-09-25T22:10:00.001+08:00

Lemme tell you first…

this is gonna be revealing but its not gonna be as revealing….

so just take it for what it is…

I am completely without a sure doubt, without a stumble in my steps, and definitely with a string in my heart IN LOVE.

With this person…wait with more than one person..

But of course love for me is something that is just so real but yet so…i dunno..dumb…

me of all people should not feel this way but here I am….

I can’t tell all these people or anyone for that matter…it is just not possible for me to talk about this with anyone…

In fact some of the feelings i am not really sure what they are…i just feel them…these feelings are inside of me…and i can’t let go..

I have at some point of my life loved someone but i managed to let it go…i dunno how but the feeling just went away…zap…just like that…

i keep wondering….how can it be so easy to fall then suddenly lose that feeling completely?? i’m asking u all…can you answer that…even i can’t answer that…

well who are all these people..emmm i cant tell you who they are…but i can surely tell you how they make me feel….one thing for sure is that they are real people…and not some kind of celebrity that i’m obsessed about…they are real…and around me whether i like it or not…and most of the time around them i struggle to hide myself….which is hard…and i feel like i should be shot dead for feeling the way i’m feeling…but i just can’t help it…

One person makes me feel like nothing in this world matters, i look at at this person and whenever this person is sad, or feeling down, or even when nothing is going on…i wanna hold this person so tightly in my arms…just in my arms..

Second one…well i dont know about this one…maybe its not love…but with this person i am just so freakin confused to why i become a different person when im with this person….

Third one…nothing much to say…i am just completely head over backwards…in love with this person…..i just know it….when i completely turn away everytime im in a conversation because i’m afraid i would give everything away….when i can’t be myself, when i beat myself up every night, facebook, blog page im a constant guest….when i refuse to breath everytime this person walks into a room…..and when life feels empty whthout you…yes you…if only you know…..

Rite….this is cheesy…i can die now…..

Hell is so close, heaven's out of reach

2010-08-21T04:28:00.002+08:00

The other day life got to me

As I crumble upon the cold air that surrounded

I could’ve just breezed through it

but nothing seems easy to me these days

The harder it is I fight to be happy

The harder it is to pretend

I can’t just sleep whenever the cold air surrounds

Because it’s too good to be true

People in their right mind would seize the day

Fighting every single moment for a freaking break

Yes I am a hopeless melancholic

But every time life cries and screams

It seems to be throwing and busting it all up on me

And at times like these

Even the slightest taste of tantrums

Is too hard for me to take…

I guess I am done pretending that I am strong

When reality seems to be pointing the other way…

Determined!

2010-07-24T03:43:00.001+08:00

I want a new car...
sick and tired already with this one goin gaga constantly
dunno how im gonna get it
but im gonna try my best

dunno also how long im gonna be this determined...
i hope it won't bite me in the ass eventually
that will be very frustrating..

futsal for saf in a few hours
the car is still parked lifeless
nuthin i can do about it now
not in the wee hours of the night anyway
really don't need this kind of drama now..

i am gonna get that new car!
i'm gonna present my case wit conviction!

Depressed

2010-07-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

i'm depressed today

i wish i could run away
but where would i run to
so that i could escape comin back to that god forsaken place
i have nowhere to run to...

would i be punished if i feel like the world is unfair
even if i have everything that i could possibly need in this world..
because i do feel that way...unfair....

typing this post with one hand and only 3 fingers...
thats how depressed i am....

Birthday Galore

2010-06-27T22:31:00.001+08:00

We have our Happy Times.

THE CAKE

17 Candles Cherry on top

There's a saying that says "When a boy turns 17, he'll come home" and that's true

He who's celebrated. A Family.

Happy birthday,

Arief @ Didi

I knew it…sooner or later…I will be tagged….

2010-06-11T18:32:00.002+08:00

This time by MIRA and ASZ…

THNKS GUYS! I'M BORED TO DEATH YOU KNOW…

Thnks also to those who started the thread…u know who you are…one bunny side up is one of them…hehe

1] Adakah anda happy sekarang?

Maybe…cos my aunt gonna buy me a watch 2moro…im materialistic I know…but I cant help it…better keep this one very well this time since I lost the 500rgt watch me dad bought me 3 years ago…he still haven't notice I lost it…I dunno how I manage to keep it a secret….its magic…

2] Apakah benda yang boleh membuat anda happy?

Seeing my family all together and being around my friends….in real life nor facebook…hehehe…Hmmmm ok guilty…people buying me things makes me happy…

3] Pernahkan anda menerima tag?

Yep…only once

4] Nyatakan warna yang anda suka.

Green…black will also do…nature is green…black goes well with everything….

5] Berikan 9 orang yang anda mahu tag. Sila beritahu kepada orang yang anda mahu tag supaya dapat respond.

Zarin, nyss, khalid (I know u oredi did it, tag je hehe), farah, agong, afnan, wani, who else….gee I don't have that much people…ok dila (ok I know u shut ur blog…), and nen la ( although I haven't followed her yet, tp I read ur blog all the time)…k that's 9…

6] Nyatakan sesuatu tentang orang yang anda tag. Nak tulis panjang berjela pun takpe, asalkan anda happy.

Zarin: cos she's been a lil bit quiet this holiday…

Nyss: cos she's Korean now…

Khalid: cos she loves I am Sam

Farah: cos she me ex roomie….

Agong: cos he's also been very quiet this hols..

Afnan: cos he didn't update his blog for a freakin long time

Wani: cos she's an old friend whom I spent the happiest time with a long time ago

Dila: cos she has that amazing dslr

Nen: cos I'm about to follow her blog…

7] Ni soalan cepu emas nih. Adakah anda happy dengan apa yang anda ada?

Why wouldn't I be….i have everything that I could possibly need…

P/S i know these questions are in english but am not good in malay tho (not to brag) I got A1 for spm…it was like 5 years ago…mind you….and im not sayin im good in english too…okay u know wat I mean…..

THNKS…..

Dakota

2010-05-26T02:40:00.003+08:00

Well isn't she

the cutest thing.....

even then...she had a level of maturity way beyond her years.....

sort of an old soul, isn't she...

but that's a good thing...

Time doesn’t heal…at least for now…

2010-05-26T02:28:00.002+08:00

May 12^th.
Marked a year.

After one whole year, things should be better.

But I am left stunned still.

By an image of an old man with eyes forever closed.

Frozen after watching someone die in front of my very eyes.

I must say, through time it does not get easy.

Like most of them say.

It only gets harder.

It has been a year since that day.

A full cycle of 365 days.

But the memory of that day still showing vividly in my mind.

Until that day, I have never seen the most unbearable pair of saddest eyes.

You're gone and I'm haunted.

One year.

I am here, still.

And you're
not.

You have passed.

And I haven't
moved on.

I am alive.

And you're
gone.

Forever.

Forever……

How can I live forever?

Without you.

This wrecked heart of mine screaming for an answer.

Well

I miss you

Quite terribly.

Your stone says,

"Pa/Kakie, you will remain in our hearts forever"

That I can promise you.

GRANDPA

Staying True to your Feelings

2010-05-19T00:46:00.001+08:00

Wrote this yesterday morn…

Well, people ask me why my blog is so depressing. I don't have a solid answer for that. All I know is that this is my blog and I can write whatever the hell I want. But one thing, although most of my entries are depressing, it doesn't mean that I am depressed all the time. It's just that when I'm depressed, it inspires me to write. Long story short, I write when I'm depressed. It's a good source of inspiration. You need inspiration in order to write, am I right? In fact you need inspiration in everything that you do. Everything needs to have a reason. Have you ever had that feeling when you're in a situation where you remember something very significant about your life or even the people in your life, and you just want to grab a pen and write something about it? Have you had that? Well, I have had that. And I feel it's so refreshing and human (whatever that means) every time I have that moment. Although not all the time I grab a pen and write something whenever I'm in those kinds of situation. Most of the time I am just caught in the moment. Sort of the story of my life. I tend to miss out on the important and meaningful things in my life. Not miss out on, more like forget about. What the heck! Life is more meaningful that way. It makes me appreciate things more. Not to take life for granted, you know. It's basic human nature I guess. Your feelings at a certain point of time inspire you to do certain things depending on what you are feeling at that time. Say a broken hearted girl who is dumped by her boyfriend might want to jump off a cliff because she feels nothing less than worthless. Well, that's just her. One example of things you might do when you're sad like her. When you're happy, you might want to jump off a cliff too because you're just too happy you cannot believe it's your life you're living. As for me, I love to write whenever I have certain feelings. Not educational essays whenever I feel smart. Haha. I write about things that matters. Things that matters to me and to the people around me. Sometimes about trees, the sky, and even you. And like I said, in order to do that you need to have something to write about. Something you call inspiration. And certain mode such as depress inspires me. Need I say more?

And that's just it people. The moral of the story is you must stay true to your feelings. Don't ignore them. Don't simply let them pass by because it's too precious. You might not get it back. When you're sad be sad. When you're happy then that's good. Spread the joy. Just don't lie to yourself. It will only eat you inside. Trust me I know. I am the grandmaster of keeping it all inside. I have mastered it with one eye shut. The hell with what other people say. So, what's wrong with being depressed all the time. I'll snap out of it eventually. If it bothers you then stay the hell away from me and just let me be. I don't need cheering up because I'll snap out of it eventually. Maybe, sometimes I just need someone to talk to but most of the time I just keep quiet. That is what life is. We are all only human after all. I am only human. And being human and all, I feel hungry right now. Think I'm going to have my breakfast now. Weird enough I woke up so freaking early today. But still didn't manage to catch my mum before she goes to work. She's so early. I wonder how she manages to do that every single day. I guess the answer is she's a superhero. She has special powers. God gives her powers because she has the toughest job in the world. My mum is one wonder mum. <3

So for now, chow.

Remember, stay true to your feelings.

Heck, stay true to yourself.

No 3...sigh

2010-04-17T23:02:00.002+08:00

When was the last time you went through a period of stress? Can you remember
the way your body reacted? Chances are you didn't feel quite like yourself. Health
experts say that stress can come with some pretty surprising symptoms-from
forgetfulness to nausea to skin rashes. Is your body sending you an S.O.S. that
you shouldn't ignore? Read on to find out if stress is taking a toll on you-and what
you can do to reverse the effects.

1. Tweaked Muscles
The pain in your neck that you attributed to long hours at the computer could
actually be a symptom of stress. "Stress definitely affects our musculoskeletal
system, resulting in tight, contracting muscles and/or spasms in muscles," explains
Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, MS, PT, a psychologist and physical therapist in
Wexford, Pennsylvania, and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription
for Happiness. "It gets us ready for fight-or-flight, although unlike our cavewomen
ancestors, we don't actually need our bodies to react like this." If you're experiencing
what you believe to be stress-related muscle symptoms, try this exercise:
Take 5 to 10 deep breaths and focus on relaxing the tense area of your body, says
Dr. Lombardo. For the neck, try gentle neck rolls or enlist your husband to give you
a quick shoulder rub.

2. Eye Twitching
Have you ever had an eye twitch? The often temporary condition can be annoying a
nd worrisome, and for some, can be triggered by stress. "This condition is
known as blepharospasm," explains Debbie Mandel, MA, a stress and
wellness expert and author of Addicted to Stress: A Woman's 7-Step
Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life. "Closing your eyes and visualizing
your happiest place on earth will help." Also, avoid stress-related eye issues
by giving your peepers a break now and then. "If your eyes get stressed from detailed
work at the computer, 'stretch' them every 20 minutes by looking out the window
at a larger landscape," suggests Mandel. "If you have no view, close your eyes and
imagine a panorama."

3. Ragged Cuticles
Do you have ragged, unkempt cuticles or nails? Their condition could be
the result of a stress-induced nervous habit. "Nervous habits like nail-biting are
how we channel our stress by distracting ourselves with what is known as oral
satisfaction," says Mandel, adding that picking nails and cuticles is also a common
way for women to deal with feelings of stress and anxiety. If you take stress out
on your hands, consider keeping a stress ball in your desk drawer-something
you can squeeze or knead when on the phone with a difficult client, for instance.
This helps "squeeze the stress out of your body," says Mandel.

4. Cavities
We all know that slacking off on dental hygiene is the first way to get cavities,
but stress can also be a culprit, say experts, especially when you're grinding
your teeth at night or during the day. Mandel explains teeth grinding, which
many women do, as "chewing over the day's stressors." The problem,
however, is that this bad habit can erode dental work, damaging your
teeth and making them more susceptible to cavities. Mandel suggests
redirecting your anxiety to pen and paper. "Set aside time to write
down your problems to see them objectively in black and white, a
nd then jot down some solutions," she says. But, she adds, "If teeth grinding is
severe, see a dentist about getting a mouth guard."

5. Rashes
It sounds strange, but your skin can be a pretty good barometer of your
stress level. "Stress can cause a rash, usually raised red spots or hives on the stomach,
back, arms and face," notes Dr. Lombardo. "While we don't know why it occurs,
some experts believe that it has to do with the adverse effects of stress on the i
mmune system-histamine is released, causing these itchy bumps." Deep breathing
may keep rashes at bay, or from developing in the first place. So, next time you
feel your stress level rising, place your hand right above your belly button.
"Every time you inhale, you want your hand to rise; with each exhale, it lowers.
Take 5 to 10 deep breaths periodically throughout the day."

6. Nausea
Have you ever been worried about a loved one's (or your own) health condition,
Googled it and suddenly feltnauseated? "Stress can upset the stomach, and
nausea can be a byproduct of worry," says Mandel, who warns against
playing "Google MD." Worrying about your health or a loved one's is normal,
but obsessing about it is unhealthy. If your anxiety is causing nausea, try this
trick that Mandel swears by: Let tepid water run over your fingers; it's believed
to keep nausea at bay.

7. Sleepiness
Feeling sluggish? It could be stress. "Stress hormones cause your body to
surge with adrenaline and then crash into sleepiness," says Mandel. "Stress
will also ruin the quality of your sleep, so you wake up tired and irritable."
What to do? Go to bed earlier, says Mandel, or catch a 30-minute nap
midday, and don't feel guilty about doing so. "There is great productivity
in rest," she says. "You come back more focused!"

8. Forgetfulness
Ask any woman who is trying to do it all and she'll admit to a few
slip-ups in the memory department (forgotten appointments, lost
keys, missing cell phone-ring a bell?). "Research shows that chronic
stress can literally shrink the size of the hippocampus, which is responsible
for some memories," says Dr. Lombardo. "Luckily, its size will go back
to normal once your stress level reduces." Want to keep your brain functioning
at an optimal level? Combat the first signs of stress with exercise, she says:
"Go for a walk, run up a flight of stairs or dance around to the newest
Black Eyed Peas tune." Exercise, she adds, keeps your brain sharp and
may even help you be more prepared for future stressful moments.

9. Confusion
You can't decide what to make for dinner, what to wear to work or
which exit to take off the freeway. Stress causes distraction and
lack of focus, says Mandel. "Stress hormones lodge longest in the brain,"
she says. To restore focus, take a walk, she says. "Move the stress out
of your body by exercising large muscle groups like the legs. You will
gain clarity. Walk out in the light and you'll reset your natural rhythm
while you move out the stress. Sunlight helps the body release
serotonin to improve mood, and vitamin D helps you improve your
immune system-a great perk."

6 7 8 9....have them all....

I almost have all the symptoms

I'm definitely stressed out...

Wait....then again I'm stressed out all the time even if I don't have these symptoms...

.....

2010-04-11T19:35:00.001+08:00

Power of your Love MY FAV...

When all else fail....I turn to....YOU

2010-04-11T18:50:00.000+08:00

"“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”"

— I Corinthians 13:4

My favourite quote from the Bible...

Broke and broken...

2010-04-11T18:22:00.001+08:00

Anybody wanna know or even give a damn?

I am broke and broken...in so many ways...

I am freakin broke...

Not a single penny in my wallet

let alone bank account

Airtime balance in both my phones are completely zero

How broke can you be?

You wanna know?

You wanna give a damn?

My heart has completely turned to stone

It is so broken that there is no possible way it can break again..

My emotions, my thoughts are stuck in places they shouldn't be..

I am stuck in this place that I never learned to trust..

Even if i kneel in some strangers face..

I will never learn to trust this place...

So, do you give a damn?

Of course you don't

Life is perfect without me....

The hell with you...

All of you...

So, do you care?

What a day to give a damn!

2010-04-08T23:29:00.001+08:00

What is it now? Why am I on a state where I am questioning the kind of feeling that I have again? I am confused, and I haven't a clue whatsoever why am I having this feeling, I know I shouldn't. I have never told anyone about this. I decided to keep it to myself. No way in hell am I going to tell anyone. But it's hard. I gotta let go somehow. Here seems like a great place to let go. Not the perfect place cos no one would listen to me directly here but at least i got to let go a little bit. Keeping it inside is just urrgghhhh.....

So where to start? I can't even begin. Life seems perfect here in shah alam now. I have begin to accept it for what it is and my homesick level is controllable. Mainly probably because of my friends, my classmates, new house, and my housemates. They are my saviours in the last two semesters. Having them around makes me feel alive here more than ever before and with that I don't dare to ask for anything more. But why, when everything seems so great there is always this one thing, this person. YES, this is about A PERSON.

THIS PERSON....

when everything else seems to fall apart, i don't mind

as long as I can see this person

when nothing goes my way, no it's okay

as long as this person is around

I have everything to look forward to

when this person appears

This person

I don't have to say a word to or

this person doesn't have to even whisper..

the only thing that this person need to do is be there...

BE THERE....

then my mind that wanders to a a foreign place

will come back to Earth

This person

Even if I have to say goodbye,

Even if everyone ignores me

Even if there is no music

Even if arrrggghhhhh

I feel like those thing aint nothing...

As long as the future involves this person....

The world is angry at me

This cruelty says my name

My words means nothing

My head is in the space

But then there's YOU

and nothing really matters.....

so what is this feeling that I am having? Or maybe by now I am perfectly clear about what I am feeling. It's just that I don't want to force it. It will never be. So i'll just ask myself everyday what is this. It's very tiring but this person is the only thing that gets me on my way every single day. Believe it or not. This is true. Without any idea of what am I supposed to do, I'll just....whatever....I don't care......

Keep telling myself this aint real but it is....wanna let go but i cant but i haf to...wanna stay away but i dont want to.....This is just so fucking annoying! I don't need this.!

and this video (song) captures every single feelings that i am having right now...a friend posted this on my facebook wall a few days ago...the lyrics fit perfectly....and WHAT A SONG!

i just wish that i can talk to someone....

Wooden, Untouched, Through a thick fake glass....

2010-03-25T01:00:00.001+08:00

So the other day was creative writing quiz,

I had to write a poem about a piece of wood...

an aquarium wood to be exact...

once again i wrote something about my dearly deceased grandpa

and this post is also another post about my grandpa...

I'm so so sorry because I don't know what else to write...

In a quiz, blog, myspace, twitter, facebook, everything is about grandpa...

I don't know what else to write...

He's the only thing on my mind since the day he went away...

I just couldn't stop thinking about him....

Sometimes, I dream about him coming back to life...

Is it just me or this is not normal???

Anyways, I came up with this....

Bathed in Afterglow

Like a freezed dried rose

I just stood there, wooden, untouched

Only the wash water current streaming down my face

A click then comes the only light I ever breathe

I'm a mystery to them, one mystery

They hollow around my sharp edges

Thinking "Something feels fishy in here"

Ignorant and proud with all their colours

Clear the air, clear the air, I have to breathe

I don't belong here, I'm just a show

And everybody falls for it

Through a thick fake glass

I saw an old man

For years and years I saw him shining in glory

For years also I saw him fading away

Through the glass

So clear yet so broken

The people circling him, It made me wonder

Did they have this sinking feeling that I had?

When they saw an old man with eyes forever closed

They took him away, put him in a long big box

Now, who says we won't fade to grey?

Today, I am here, still

This glass never seemed so real

As when I listen to the sound around

Sometimes I breathe his light

For he is the greatest man I ever saw

Even through a thick fake glass

Forever I am...

Bathed in his afterglow...

Hye...my name is....

2010-03-25T00:38:00.000+08:00

Hi,
my name is Valen....
I was born in 1988
I am 22 years old
And
I love to SING!

That day the stage felt like home

Tho I fucked most of it!!!

Say it isn't so..

2010-02-24T14:12:00.000+08:00

~~It's 2pm and the weather is unforgiving. Read somewhere that it will stay like this till May. Are you freakin serious? It's only February, 3 more months for May to come. My gawd!~~

On a lighter note..I feel a lil bit light this week for whatever reason. But I am pretty sure and almost certain that next week is gonna be different...presentations, tests, extra classes (i predict this since there are a lot of classes will be cancelled this week and also next week)...so it's gonna be hell, well actually every week and every semester are hell...It's just that I am grateful that sometimes even in a hot day like this I feel a lil bit light even if it is only for a day.

~~Kinda miss home tho...hmmm nevertheless...i'll rejoice on this day...~~

~~Goodbye..until next time!~~

~~AHHH NEXT WEEK HELL WEEK!~~

~~SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!!~~

Fav Tv Shows/ Drama...

2010-02-20T20:56:00.000+08:00

I'm bored!

This one is funny as hell. I love Calista Flockhart. Sort of a total freak show this one but it managed to make me see myself as a lawyer once upon a time. Haha, the highlight of my high school years...no...

Yep, aha...There was a time I wanted to marry Dawson and I wanna be Joey. But, this is a great show. Used to wait up every week waiting for this even if it was a school night. Guess what, all the casts are big superstars now. Ever heard of a certain Katie Holmes? Wife of Tom Cruise. Oh I feel old.

An inspiring drama about two brothers. One brother will eventually be the president of the US. This show is very short. It was a hit but the writers and producers decided to do only one season and maybe that's why not a lot of people know bout this. And oh yeah, the younger brother who eventually became the president in the end (sorry spoiler) is Percy in that movie Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. All grown up bebeh. His brother in the show is Hottt I say but he is not bad himself.

K this is one of the recent ones. Love Serena and Dan. That's all.

Right. Another show starring Calista Flockhart. I just love her. What's interesting bout this is that it has a connection with Jack and Bobby. Robe Lowe's character as a US senator is actually based on Bobby's character in J&B. He plays Senator Robert McCallister who is running for president and has an ex wife named Courtney which is eventually becomes the first lady in J&B (She's Bobby's Wife-Bobby president, Courtney First Lady, Make sense? hehe). I didn't know this before I became obsessed with both these shows. I feel that it is quite an interesting fact. This story is nothing short of amazing with amazing actors and acting and heart wrenching scenes.

Hah! Yes if you think I'm not into those Korean N Japanese dramas and movies then you're wrong. I can be more obsessed than you when I'm really into it. Well this one is Lunch no joou aka Lunch Queen. I am in love with that Satoshi Tsubamuki (he's the guy one the left side of the girl holding the giant plate, if you watched waterboys then you'll know him). I think he is the most beautiful man in Japan and one of the most beautiful people in the world. This show was my remedy every saturday evening when I was in high school and I watched it again a few semesters back. Love it!

Here's another one starring Satoshi Tsubamuki. He just looks hot in here. And I learned sign language too while watching this. And they spoke Japanese while doing it. So I can only translate in sign language if you speak Japanese. Test me! Ceh!

Okeh, before everything else burst into Malaysian telly this was one of the first ones together with Winter Sonata. But I can't stand Winter Sonata. I feel like I wanna puke watching that. This one I'm for Song Seung Hun not Won Bin tho he's hot. Blame the storyline.

I'm just a firm believer of first love and Won Bin is very very annoying in the story. And yeah Song Hye Gyo is beautiful. This is lame I know. But IDC!

Yeap I cried a full tank of tears!

Last but not least. One Tree Hill! I sometimes wish I am Peyton who has a Lucas in her life. Ahhh..A girl can dream. Hehehe...

These are pretty much some of my fav shows.

Some introduced by my friends and some I found myself.

If you notice most of them are weepy love stories and inspiring family oriented shows.

It's because I am that kind of person.

A hopeless romantic. Ceh!

And I grew up in a very very family oriented atmosphere and a religious one too.

And maybe because I'm just really bored and I watch series when I'm bored haha.

If you want these shows, I have them. But have to dig really deep into my vault.

Meaning some of the shows I dont remember where I put them.

Chow for now!

Bathed in Afterglow

2010-02-13T21:17:00.001+08:00

I don't know which one is worse?

Being all alone on my birthday or

Having my first birthday without grandpa

God what am I crapping?

Of course the later one

Maybe I can see another February 14 next year

and another

if God would let me

But grandpa...I will never ever see again

not when I'm 23, 30, or even 40

At times like these

When I'm all alone, nobody's around

When everyone's going into the motion

and I'm heading backwards

is when I miss him terribly

But I'm glad

Because I got to spend the last 21 years with him

Though I feel it's too short

I feel that all the time in the world is not enough

When I'm with the greatest person I've ever met

and it's you

Grandpa...

And tomorrow when my birthday comes

it's for you

not for me...

because it's killing me inside

that you're not around anymore

to see me grow and maybe shine

for years to come...

and I am scared that one day

I will forget about you

The way you walk or talk

Your smell, your scent

Or even worst

How you look like

You don't know how scared I am

That I will forget your face

But as much as I am scared

Tomorrow I won't forget...

and yes Grandpa...

Sometimes I just wanna cry a little

over you...

hye there, weirdo.

2010-02-07T13:27:00.003+08:00

hye there, weirdo.

me: hye. :) fatso!

Acin: what did i ever do to you?

me: nothing.

Acin: then why are you so mean to me?

me: coz' i want to.

Acin: then i'll call you weirdo.

me: whatever.

Acin: wanna know why you are weird?

me: why?

Acin: you sleep with your phone beside you.

Found this on my sister's blog...(me) is her...and (acin) is my cuzz...

they're really close and when they're together they look so cute...cos they tease each other...funny how little thing like this can make your world go round...one is 14 and one is 10 but they think alike...haha...kids!

My sister-Emilly

Me cuzz-Acin

Dearly beloved, are you listening?

2010-02-03T05:59:00.002+08:00

Right at this very moment, I'm thinking of one very significant thing. The hot air that surrounds does not help the process of letting go. Why do I let myself master the art of keeping it all inside? Well' only God knows. Why am I this way and not that way? Why am I not grateful? I see things this way and not that way and why is that? Beats me.

I am just me. Is that so wrong? Why do people stare? Is that human nature? A natural thing that a human does? Well if that's so then it SUCKS! I hate people who stares. Look yourself in the mirror first and judge yourself and maybe you'll see yourself or maybe not. Hell I gossip too and I talk shit but the eyes they reveal everything. When you stare you just don't know or see how low you make me feel..

So dearly beloved are you listening....?

Am I insane or am I just insecure?

Matters of the heart

2010-02-03T05:45:00.002+08:00

The saying is true after all. You can't help how you feel. There is no way to ignore and hard to make some feelings go away. Why is that? Because we're human that's why. You can hide from the world or you can say that silence is golden or whatever but one thing is for sure, you can't lie to yourself. How afraid do you think I am rite now off letting my feelings show on a scale from 1 to 10? Well 100 maybe? From scared to afraid, I am freaking out. And so I'm going to try my very best to not let the feelings show.

I kinda hate the weekends and holidays these days...

I wonder why....

And when the semester ends I think I'll drop dead....

Sentimental (not)

2010-02-02T03:47:00.004+08:00

Okay, it is 4 in the morning now and as usual I'm up. Seriously, the world is definitely turning upside down. People are awake at night and dead asleep during the day. Obviously, this is my first post since ages ago. Most importantly my first for this year 2010! Yippie! So what have I done this year? Well that is what I feel sort of sentimental about. It's a new year and we left everything that was the past. All we can do now is look at the future.

Right, I actually should be doing something else rite now. Got tons of "arse"ssignmentsss but I'd rather do something else other than that. So, what's sentimental to me? Hmmm moving into a new house is kinda sentimental because you have a lot of memories in the old house that you left behind. But, to be honest I wont miss the house. It has done wonders to me and I'm thankful for that but that's it. I'm done being attached to things. I understand it's hard to let go of certain things. I myself have thrown away many2 things during this moving process. Believe me of all people I would know what it's like being attached to things. It's hard to let go. But you have got to my friends. I feel the sentimental value of physical things that I hold on to but when I really thought it through suddenly it hit me. We can't rewind the past. Therefore, the hell with sentimental value. (altho I still keep some things)

So now I think you understand why I put the NOT in the title in brackets rite...Because I'm feeling sentimental but actually I'm not....hehe

But this is the house I grew up in....And I will hold on to this forever no matter what...

Goodnite peeps....

AaaaaRRrrrrrGGggGGGhhhHHhhh!!!!

2009-09-13T05:25:00.003+08:00

I wish for a wall for me to smash my head against it

I wish to have a car to sacrifice so that I can run over a poll and get severe head trauma over a head impact and get amnesia

I wish to kick a football until it explodes before air can even come out of it

I wish 50 ringgit notes are not that valuable for me to just cut them into pieces

I wish bones can grow faster so that I can break them without being a handicap

I wish that I can turn on an amplifier as loud as I can without consience

I wish that I can buy a whole shoe store instead of only one pair at a time

I wist to use all my might to strangle any living creature and feel free

I wish jumping down a building can make gravity feel small

I wish to scream at the top of my lungs

I wish..I wish...I hope...everything will not come to this...

Two days in a row! (A fried chicken and an insomnia tale)

2009-09-10T05:06:00.007+08:00

I'm going to write a random crap thread here. Yesterday morning I went to class in the most miserable way again. It's two days in a row now. My sleeping schedule has changed for the worst. I am dead awake at night and therefore it is hard for me to wake up early in the morning because I am suppose to sleep at that time. I skipped another early morning class again today simply because I couldn't wake up. What is to become of me? All I have to do in this freakin place is to get my ass up and go to class but that is the hardest thing for me to do it seems. I have fallen asleep with the clothes that I wore to class today. I felt so tired and sleepy after Mr Kieran's class so I slept from 8 pm until 4 am just now while reading The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13 1/4. For some reasons that I did not know I read that book just now. But that's not the point. I was so hungry too and pretty sure we were going out to eat late cos Zarin was not fasting because she couldn't and she didn't buy anything from the bazaar and I assumed they would want to go out later. They I mean my housemates. So, I decided before that I would lie down for a while but I fell asleep instead. I didn't know what happened after that. Poor Zarin, she did not wake me up maybe because she saw my door was closed. Hope she was not that hungry. I heard her from her room after that but did not dare to knock. Anyways, the sound of the bathroom door woke me up. Maybe it was Anis or As my housemates. Only the three of us use the upstairs bathroom. How swell!

Then, I was almost certain that I felt hungry the moment I woke up. But as always there was nothing to eat here in my house. Then I remembered the McDonnald fried chicken that I ate with Myra the other night. Without any further distractions, I picked up my phone and called McDonnald delivery and I had fried chicken. Again. For two days in a row. But I din't have a care whatsoever in the world although they tasted like plastic this time, the chicken. Funny, I always prefer McDonnald fried chicken rather than KFC. I don't know why. Maybe I was just being bias because the KFC here in my place is a disgrace to the KFC outlets all over the world. It is filthy and almost everytime I come there at night they pretty much say that there is nothing left. What's the use of opening it 24-hours if you can't keep up with the people coming there.

Anyhow, I should stop eating fast food everyday or else I will never live to be 30 years old. I have lost count on how many times have I eaten fast food this week. That is bad considering my family back home is practising healthy eating since my grandfather (who is now deceased) and my father got sick and my siblings and cuzzies got fat a few years back. If my mum is here, she will be freaked out seeing so many fried chicken boxes in the dustbin just for this week only. A few years back, we were all eating like pigs except for my cuzz Timothy who was trying to lose weight and now he is a fine young fella half the size he was before and he is pretty bright too. Even him couldn't motivate my family at that time until my grandpa and dad got serious illnesses of course (cancer and high blood pressure). My father is living on medication for life now and he can't live without them. He will pass out during the day if he had forgotten to take his pills. Luckily, my mum was with him when that happened each times. Although my father and I have a very cold relationship, it still hurts to see your own father struggle like that with all the pills. But I realize that now after a few years he has found a way to live with the pills by telling everyone what's the purpose of every pills with extreme and dreadful details and there are thousands of them that he is taking. This the sole reason why I feel so lucky that I am not home that often. The unlucky people are always visitors that come to visit and my uncle Roger which is my aunt's husband and my dad's younger brother in law. Fortunately, my uncle is pretty much deaf in one ear and he uses that as an excuse to ignore my dad and sure too that my dad thinks that he is not paying attention to him because he cannot hear him and that is not true of course. As for the rest of us, we just have to endure while my dad explains what is high blood pressure and what the green or yellow or white or whatever pill is for in precise details. He takes pride in his pills. Shame for us.

All these commotions a few years back made my mum paranoid especially after going to the doctor's appointments with my dad so many times for a few years. Hearing doctor's advises and all and also her eldest brother being a doctor as well and growing up she was quite obese (judging from her old pics) gave her a realization I guess and after she herself was forced to take medication for her high cholesterol, she made up her mind that from that day on there would be no more fried chicken for dinner with the exceptions of birthdays. We can only eat fried fish and that also not even everyday and only the old people eat fish in my house and me of course. Luckily, I eat everything and enjoy fried fish day when everybody else is eating stimmed chicken or fish. I don't know why they won't even touch the fish. It's good. But still she cooked that only once a week. She dragged all my cuzzies to join the healthy food diet and they despised her until today. Since that realization we started reading labels before buying food and she started changing the menu of course. She stopped buying salt, and our tea, coffee and milo in the morning tasted bitter. But, after a while we have gotten used to the routine and wishing that everybody's birthday was everyday. Now, you can't possibly blame me for having fried chicken everyday now rite?

However, now I can say that it has done wonders to my family. My sister who was a chubby little girl before because her hobby was eating is now a long lean 5 foot 6 inches 55 kilos 13 year old girl and she's gorgeous and I'm so gonna get it if she reads this because I always call her fei mao even now when she is thin. How she gets that tall beats me. She reminds me of Khalidah, yes you khalid because she makes eating looks like the most enjoyable thing in the whole wide world to do, it looks so good the food I mean even when she was only eating rice and salted fish, you know what I mean right Khalid? She likes eating too much and she still does but different menus of course. My brothers and cuzzies are losing weight and even my aunts and uncles go to the gym when they have time. One particular aunt I think has no use going to the gym because she only touches the butt shaker where she does not have to do anything. She just stands there while her butt is shaked by the machine of course. As a consequence, she still has a belly to lose. I am the only one who has not gotten fat yet (I think) and I'm the shortest which confuses my dad because both my younger brothers are almost 6 foot tall and my lil sister is 5 foot six and counting. Well, forget that. I am also puzzled with that.

Moving on, my father wants the kids to go to the gym too but my mother let only the boys go because it is not nice for girls to have mucles. At least she thinks that. I know she wants her girls to be girly girls and have girly features and she gets that from my lil sister but not from me. I remembered when I was in primary school she asked my dad to stop training me or else I will get too muscular. Well I am not saying that I am muscular now only that I am not a girly girl because growing up I spent too much time playing with my two brothers. If only my lil sis came in a lil bit early then maybe I'll be a girly girl. But too late, by the time she came in I was buying sneakers instead of heels and pants instead of skirts. Mind you I am pretty much a girl at heart it is only that I am not girly and I don't do girly stuff and because of that I get the most pleasure beating boys in badminton. Never mind tho because my mum takes me for whoever or whatever I am and I love her for that. It's just that she thinks girls should not exercise too much or else they will have Madonna's biceps and it's ugly. That I totally agree with. Well, ain't life grand...

Until next time...enough of my rumblings for today.

Got two mandarin tests to study today...Listening is the worst...I got only a few hours...most likely I won't study...great.

p/s mind my grammar and spellings cos I did not bother to check on them.

Attack of the kittens; it sounds like poop...poop...poop! die

2009-09-08T03:57:00.004+08:00

I hate them cats that have been lingering around my house. I feel like smothering them no matter how cute or adorable they are. One of 'em even has a name, Gary, courtesy of my housemate Anna. Oh my god! And how do they show their appreciation for our love and affection? Well let me tell you..By leaving their mark of course, in the form of their POOP! Yup, u guessed it. Their stinky muther-fucking disgusting piece of poop shit. Mind the language. Dem ungrateful creatures. I can never be immune to the smell and until now I am still recovering from the traumatic washing poop operation this evening. Urgh, that was just nasty and disgusting and just to add to that misery I realized that my car stinks and it turned out that my car and Anna’s were victims too. Guess Anna will think to herself why she gave dem cats name in the first place. Yes, don’t be fooled by their manipulating so called cuteness. There are dangerous creatures in which their primary form of weapon can kill without even touching you and you don’t even know that it’s a weapon in the first place. They scratched my ego and took my 14 ringgit of money that I spent on car wash and air freshener to go along with it. It was just impossible for me to make the smell go away without asking other peeps to do the dirty work. No way in hell was I going to wash poop no more. Why can’t you just do you business somewhere else? The issue here is that why does it have to be my house? They are not even our cats. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against cats or animals. I have a few of my own too back in my hometown. Hmmm, damn city cats. Think they can do whatever they want. And what upsets me to my guts is that I don’t know how to settle this mess. Should we buy a new fence? Arrggghhh, even if we want too money will be the issue. Noooo!!!! I don’t wanna live in contaminated air and surely I will not let my ego be bruised by dem cats. See what happens tomorrow or today when I wake up. Even a scent of their poop smell will make me chased them cats and run them over (figuratively, not literally). See I’m not that mean.

Urgh, gotta go. Have to be up in a few hours to send Myra, zarin and as to class. (watch out you Gary, Gonna getcha no matter how fluffy you are.)

Out of nowhere!!

2009-09-06T23:19:00.006+08:00

Yeah, I started this blog out of nowhere. No intros or nothing whatsoever. Of course you have your profile page but that thing say nothing about you. I just thought that it would be fun to have a blog. Yalah..slalu ja buat monolog dalaman. Mau express rasa insecure pulak. I feel a little bit shy and intimidated in front of people. That's why I always work behind the scene. Anyhow, i just figured that it would be swell to share something bout meself. After all it is my blog and I can write whatever I want as long as I don't upset the ISA (the human rights thingy or something to do with national security, I don't know, just that no good will come to you if you mess with them, hehe)

This is me (on a good day)

(I was hungry when my friend took this pic of me)

(but I was extremely happy, I just shopped my heart out that day, haha)

Okay,

I am Valentina Claverra Undian Tony

(That's my full name)

(my family call me nanak, or kakak)

(friends call me valen, v, val-dunno where this came from but who cares, and also some other names that I can't say, hehe)

21 years old, this year

(2009-Getting younger everyday,hehe)

14 Feb 1988

(my burpday, get it-birthday...okay)

(this explains my name)

(most of my friends spend time with their boyfriends first then they celebrate my bday with me, ceh ada laki trus lupa kawan)

A life-long learner

(Student la)

(UiTM- Currently doing my Degree in TESL)

(Everyday I ask myself...Bila la mau habis degree ni??)

Family..

Mum, Dad

Two younger bros, One younger sis, guess who's the eldest?? Me!

Grandpa (in heaven), Grandma

Gazillions aunts, uncles, cuzzies

(maybe I'll post something bout my familly one fine day, too many to mention here)

Friends..

From school

From UiTM

From everywhere

(again too many too mention, requires a special post, luv ya friends, muah...!)

I like..

Sports

Music

World wide web

Everthing Missy Higgins (Google her; if you're curious)

Hanging out doing nothing

Kacau Myra (my annoying housemate, hehe)

Doing everything else but studying (which I should be doing)

Oh yeah, did I mention shopping? (Thanks To Kerajaan Neg Sabah for the scholarship money)

bla...bla...

45 Kilos, i think

154cm, i think

Asian (Kadazan)

A Sabahan

Proud Malaysian(ceh)

Dreams??

New York, Aussie, Backpacking (places I wanna go)

Be a singer (hah! tekejut????)

Cut my hair short

Play the piano like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6bbqTsP14I

Audition for Malaysian Idol(wujud lagi ka? Sudah ganti ngan OIAM kan?)

Meet Siti Nurhaliza (I wanna meet all my idols)

bla....bla...bla...

Idols..hehe..(tgh blank la ni)

My mum

Nicol Ann David

Siti Nurhaliza

Marion Jones(she's still my idol despite everything that had happened, she inspired me to run! Run! Fly!)

(Marion; look at all the muscles, yikes)

Missy Higgins (Try saying her name this way..Hissy Miggins..maybe I'll name my dog that)

(Misseh; oh so cute, you think I could pull that haircut?)

And…Avril!! (Believe me once upon a time I was so obsessed with her..)

Okay…totally blank now

Lemme just put some add ons here…

I don’t wear skirts/dresses (dan yg sewaktu dgnnya)lalala

I wear only sneakers, flip flops (slippers la)

I have a car

I need new shoes now! I mean now!

I collect jeans (and collecting stamps)

Once I started shopping I can’t stop

Saya sangat manja!(betul ni tau)

Shy, quiet..

Comel…hahaha…

Ok…now I dunno what to write anymore…

I better stop before I continue to flatter myself…

These are of course only a few random crap bout me..

For your reading pleasure to say the least..

Just google anything I wrote that you don’t know

( that is if you’re curious, up to you, who am I to force you to even read this)

Okay, done!

Thanx for reading!

If you don’t like me for who I am

Then you don’t like me for who I am

And all you gonna get

Is WHO I AM!

Nuff said!

They just know how to do business

2009-09-05T21:11:00.001+08:00

cekik darah ka?

Air Asia pn sama ja...

Wait till I buy my private jet..

100th day (15 August 2009)

2009-08-29T20:32:00.003+08:00

Happy 100th day in Heaven Kakie. I miss you quite terribly. Deep down inside I know Heaven is the place for you, no doubt. How is the weather there? For me the sky is never gold since you're gone. Say hi to all the angels for me. Say thank you to all the angels for me for taking care of the family. I wonder, everyday that will you ever take me to wherever you went away, even if it is only for a day because I never wanted to let you go. Whisper goodbye, I miss you quite terribly. No more pain, no more agony, only bliss. No more tears in your eyes like the day I last saw you breathe. To you this is not goodbye because you can see us clearly now. Still, we cry for you and smile cos you're in heaven. I will never forget you even if they stored away all your things now. You're favourite tshirts and pants are all in boxes. Your bed in the lonely corner of your roon behind the curtain is tragic. You spent so much time laying there that sometimes I could feel you if I listened to the sound around. You're favorite tv show we still put on every Wednesday night. I could feel your excitement. Your old Jeans. I miss seeing you in that. Your batik. You will never go to the good doctor without it. Your white hair. I miss you quite terribly. Still can't forget the memory of an old man laying with eyes forever closed. Be happy grandpa.

I wouldn't have it any different

2009-08-11T00:56:00.005+08:00

In class the other day, I was asked to write an essay on some things that I should thank my parents for. Well, where do I even get started on this. First of all, my parents have done so much for me that the word thanks is an understatement and nothing and again I repeat, nothing can ever describe everything that my parents have ever done for me. They have pushed themselves to the limit, they have given up everything, they have gone through embarrassment, they have walked on water, they climbed mountains, and many more. I may have over-exaggerated but that is how I feel about my parents' sacrifice for me and also to my brothers and sister. There were moments even before I started writing this essay where I was crying just thinking about it and I didn't even write a single word yet. If really I have to put into words about the things I should thank my parents for, then here are few of them out of millions.

Firstly, I would like to thank my parents for bringing me into this world. They fell in love and got married and they had me. They introduce me to the world and because of that not only I get to see the world with my own two eyes but I also get to experience and feel what the whole world has got to offer. Life is a beautiful thing and I am lucky enough to be alive and explore all the beautiful things in the world. I get to do all these things because y mother and father took care of me all these years. There were never moments where I was starving or shivering cold or anything worst than that for that matter. They gave me safety, protection, and the most important thing they gave me all the love that I can ever have and because of that reason I am forever thankful.

Next, I want to thank my parents for shattering my inner shyness. Growing up I was extremely a shy little girl. I would never play with other kids and on my birthday party I would never go out from my room to blow out my candles. My mother would force me to go out and then I would cry my heart out. In kindergarten, when other parents accompanied their children outside the classroom for one or two days, my parents would accompany me for a week because I would not go to school without them. After that, I still did not want to go to school and my grandmother or my late grandfather had to accompany me at school for three month. I was such a shy girl to that extreme. It ended when one day my father introduced me to sports. He is a coach. He taught me to run and jump and suddenly I had friends came to me and they did not think I was a weirdo or a freak. I did not have to call them. They would come to me and tapped me in the back and said ‘Hey, good job’. Suddenly, I found a place close to home where I can be myself. So, I went to tournaments and made a lot of friends and I started going out to practice by myself and also in the classroom I started making friends because I trained together with them. My life totally changed after that. I was a class monitor, a prefect, a librarian and almost a head prefect. On top of that I played all kinds of sports. I am still a shy girl today but if my father did not introduce me to sport I don’t think I will be here today where I am today. I will stay at home and hide when guests come to visit my house.

Lastly, I would like to thank my parents because all these years that had pushed me to be the best that I can be. They will never let me do anything half way. They would push me hard when I said I wanted to get straight A’s, and they would push me even harder when I said I wanted to get first place in sport and they even pushed me hard when I said I wanted to audition for Malaysian Idol even though I thought it was the worst idea I have ever made. They teach me that life is not something to be taken for granted. It is too valuable especially when you are young. Furthermore, when I first enrolled in TESL, it was hard for me being far away from home. So many semesters where I cried endlessly on the plane every time I was heading back here after a long semester break but they pushed me to hold it together and do what I have to do and because of that I am still here fighting.

Well, that is all. This essay will be endless if I continue writing because my parents never fail to amaze me. They are getting older and one day it will be my turn to take care of them. I hope time will fly fast so that I will graduate and have a job and they will not have to work a single day anymore in their entire lives. It makes me feel sad to see my parents tired eyes every time they come home from work and though they never complains, I want them to stop their 9 to 5 working hours or more like 4 to 7 everyday. I want my mum to stop waking up at four in the morning and going straight to the frying pan after work. I want my dad to stop driving 2 hours to work everyday and have back pain. I just want them to stop because I have so much to thank them for. Thanks.

Wish you were here

2009-08-08T14:22:00.002+08:00

I wish you were here...

Whoever you are...

I wish you were here...

Highs and lows

2009-08-06T03:57:00.002+08:00

It seems like the highlight of my day today has been about the feelings that you have at a certain point of moment and situation. Today, there are times I feel like I am on top of the world and at times I feel like I am worth nothing. Or maybe this is just me. Mandarin..why do I hate it? Maybe I don't hate it. I just hate it because everybody else hates it. Well, it's not that I love it. I dread it actually but I don't hate it, maybe. I don't know. This is the one thing that ruins the high of today. I was so excited because I have badminton today and that I am skipping literature in media and when suddenly Mandarin comes to mind and I remember I have a test that I myself don't know what kind of test the laoshi will conduct. Reading? Writing? Oral? What? What? What? Why don't I know this? This makes me feel so low. The highs will make you fly but the lows make you want to die. Yeah, I know I'm right about this. When you're happy you'll be so happy and when you're sad you'll be so sad. It's not fair but then again life is not fair. You gotta live with what you have and if you demand too much you are only eating yourself up bit by bit and eventually you'll be gone. Life offers so much, yeah, but you can't have everything and why is that so? That's because life works that way. I gotta learn to acdept this or else the future holds nothing for me. It's just so discouraging sometimes when nothing goes your way. It's just not possible right that I can be so unlucky most of the time. hmmm....Owkay...I think my laundry is done...

I am a sore loser

2009-08-06T02:36:00.004+08:00

My dad said move your feet. There is no way you're gonna win by standing still in that corner. well guess what? I stood still in one corner. She pretty much had the same skills that I had but the only difference was she moved her feet to wherever the ball was. I know that I can move but I was afraid if I move too much I will get tired. No excuses, she was a better player tonite. I hate it when I lose like this. I think about it for like 200 hours of the day until the next match. I put so much pressure to myself and she just smiled the whole way through during the game and she won. Dang it and the net wasn't very kind to me tonite. (ceh salahkan net) But, I hope that I learn from my mistakes and win tommorow. Just please...please...I wanna win. Show them mother fucker that I can do it. I smash to the net most of the times and that is a problem. I just need to move my feet. Move it to wherever the ball is. Footwork people. Where is my dad when I need him!!!!!??? And why do I have Mandarin test tomorrow???? Why??? I just dread mandarin. Urgh...

Reminder to myself again...Move your feet!!!!!

I am a lazy ass!

2009-08-04T16:43:00.003+08:00

So I have been abandoning this blog for weeks now and I have fallen behind. To keep things simple why don't I just continue what I started which is rounding up my holidays. I have missed so many days and I can't remember anymore every single details. So, I'll just round up what I think is important for me to remember.

Third Week

The Third week of my holiday I think the highlight is that we finally laid my grandfather to rest. Well, I don't have to say more because that day was the worst. At the church I poured my heart out crying when we gave our final respect to him. When they close the casket finally it meant that he would be gone forever and that thought made me cry like a crazy person. Not to forget when I saw my brothers and sister and cousins and my entire family crying that really crushed me. Seeing also that many people gave their respects and crying did not help. But, other reasons that I cried also because of the fact that I was really touched. Touched by that many people knew and loved my grandpa when he was still alive and they came and to see my grandpa for the last time that day. I remember the first three days my grandpa died the house almost fell down I mean literally because there were too many people there. People I know and also people I never set eyes on before so I was touched. And that was the highlight of my third week.

Fourth week

Dear Lord, why do I even bother writing this. The holidae is over anyways. Why am I such a lazy ass? I can't even keep a simple blog going. What if I have a big store or restaurant or whatever? I will put the place into bankruptcy in no time. I am just so lazy. Sorry blog for leaving you astray again. Slapping myself hard. Let's see whether I can keep the posts going in the next few weeks owkay. This is a promise that I made for myself and for the few peeps who actually read my crap in here. Let's keep the posts going.

Nurul Khalidah Aziz

2009-05-27T12:08:00.003+08:00

Response to khalid's post..

Khalid what you wrote in the post was true. You don't know me all that well but same goes to me. But I feel like we've been friends since like forever althought it has only been two or two and a half years. Believe me that is something I will never ever take for granted. If I think that I can find a friend just by snapping my fingers I will definitely slap myself because it is not something that just come along in the delivery post. Doesn't matter if your are close or not close, a friend is a friend. I don't know you all that well but it's amazing how going through the same thing in our life can bring such a connection.

Khalidah, those are such kind words in your post and again im not sure if i deserve that. But you were right I did want to go home for the study week to spend time with my grandpa even if it was only for a week. The 200rgt well I didn't really care about that at that time and I think many people at the angsana hall at that time could see it in my eyes that the 200rgt was nothing. I only want to go home. Believe me usually I never buy a plane ticket so early but my grandpa was so sick when I left for the semester and my mum said he kept asking when will I go home so I decided to take the risk and bought the ticket anyway. I knew there will be problem when the time comes because the lecturers in our precious UiTM like to replace classes in the last minute, it is like their favorite thing to do. Mind the sarcasm but I am sure you feel the same way too. When the problem finally happened I was not in the mood to argue. Whenever the drama is I just don't care anymore. Trust me I don't hold any grudge. It was my decision not to go home although I was given a choice.

However until today I still can't erase the memory of watching him die in front of me. The memory keeps coming and showing in my mind all the time and I even have nightmares of my grandpa being so sick and I was not there next to him. But I need to tell you that the two weeks that I was home before de died were the most precious time of my life, although he just laid in bed and he did not know who I was let along hear me but I never leave him and I just sat next to his bed I even rode the ambulance. I was there until the very end. It was like he waited for me to come home before he can go and having friends like you and myra definitely help. I must say that none of my closest friends in sabah came to my house when my grandfather died. I felt a little bit lonely when I see my brother's and my sister's friends came to give support to my brother and sister and my cousins. They never stopped coming it didn't matter whether it rained, morning, early morning, late night, whenever or whatever they kept coming and they even helped carry the casket and helped in the cemetary. They walked or took the bus to come. It was incredible and we did not even pay them a single penny. My friends, well they weren't there. To be fair, most of my friends are in semenanjung still and some of them said that they were not coming home this holiday because they wanted to find work. I dont blame them. But, at the time when I was sad and grieving I tried to call them but none answered their phone or returned my sms's. I'm telling you these are my besties since kindergarten and until today not all of them know that my grand father is gone. The grandfather that they also grew up with when they come to play in my house when we were little. The grandpa that thay also called kake. My sister's and my brother's friends cried endlessly when they came to my house and they even cried worst than me because they came to play in my house everyday and play with my grandpa and my grandpa even have nicknames for each and everyone of them because they were there since thery were little kids and there were there when my grandpa was so sick. My grandpa knew who's lazy, who's shy, who's the cry baby and so on. Well my friends? who also grew up with my grandpa and played in my house all these years they don't even know and you know who gave me support the most? It was Khalidah and Siti Amirah. The don't need to call me for hours or send me sms. The fact that they knew and felt sad for me was enough. I don't need anything more. Don't get me wrong, I don't want people to find I'm pathetic or feel like I'm the only one the world that is sad and that I want to show the world that I am sad. But just one question, where were they? I tried so hard not to mention about my friends but when there is obvious difference between these two sides of friends that I have and the most important thing is how different both of the sides makes me feel at times like these, I can't help it.

So, my point writing this post is that one sms and simple comments that Khalidah and Myra gave me, gives me the strenghts to go through these early days of losing my kake whom I grew up with and lived in the same house with since I was born. If it wasn't for you guys I will never get out from my room when my grandfather's casket was still outside and people were still giving their respects. I will never be able to greet the never ending relatives whom almost most of them I never laid eyes on that came to see my kake for the last time.

Therefore, this post deserves the title that is given to it. They are a lot of beautiful people in this world and you know who you are. Embrace yourselves and thank you for being so beautiful inside and out.

P/s everybody sacrificed a lot for the drama the same way I did not go home for the study week. So all of us did a lil bit of something. So people, do not count yourself out. And khalid I think it is very brave and responsible of you not going home and stayed in shah alam to work. Know that your parrents and the rest of your famlily are proud of you.

thank you also,

Isferra

farahzahidah

Lai

Kath

Second week (The worst week of my life)

2009-05-16T13:07:00.004+08:00

The sweetest man I've ever known..

On the second week of my holiday. My grandfather died. He went away on tuesday the 12th. Laid to rest thursday the 14th on the third week of my holiday. I was home two weeks and he was gone. I was there with him the two weeks that I was home. At 5pm on the 12th he couldn't breathe so my aunts and his nurse took him to the emergency room. At 7pm, my aunt, sis and I took over to take care of him at the emergency room while my other aunt and his nurse can go home and change. My aunt gave him porridge to eat and after a sip he said he was full. That was his last words. After that he couldn't say a word anymore. The doctor said it was better to take him to kk. So I hopped in the ambulance together with my aunt and his nurse. He was so scared and cold. I could see in his eyes how scared he was. I held his hands and told him that I was right there beside him. I was so scared for him.

In kk, he was in the isolation room and I figured, why is that? Then the nurse spilled the reality.I was like please don't say what you're about to say but she did anyway. She said that it was bad. His lung was not working anymore. Not even the oxygen could help him. And I cried for a little while and my aunt asked me to call everyone because grandpa was going to go. I can see that he tried to hold on for them. He tried so hard. When all the family were there except my second brother, he was with my uncle and they got lost on the way, he closed his eyes peacefully. I watched him breathe for the last time. He just couldn't wait anymore for my brother. I knew he wanted to but he couldn't. 10pm on the 12th he went away.

He fought like hell for two years. He was so strong but he went so tenderly. I can't continue writing this. So kake (this is what we called him), just go to wherever you want to go now. You can go to Tamu, you can go to your favourite kedai kopi, you can feed your chicken, you can ride the bus, you can hang out with your friends, you can go and catch your buffalo, and many other things that you like to do in a better place now. Just remember to take me to wherever you went away one day even if it is only for a day. Because I miss you. I miss how sweet of a man you were. You never yelled even once to me let along hit me when I was naughty. Dear Lord, I miss you kake. Another day God will give you some because you are more to life than trying to survive. And I still hear your smile and breathe your light. I will never say goodbye..because I never imagined ever in my life that you will be gone.

Tagged (for the first time)

2009-05-12T09:32:00.005+08:00

Yup.. I was Tagged for the first time since I started blogging by Khalid.

Instruction: Go to your photos folder in your computer. Go to the 6th folder of photos. Go to the 6th picture in that folder. Put the picture on your blog and a description of it. Invite six friends to join the challenge. Link them in your blog and let them know they have been challenged!

I have gone through my folders and I realized I don't have folders in my mypictures. I just threw whatever pictures I have in the mypictures folder and there goes all my pics all over the place in the folder. So, I guess to go along with the instructions. I picked the sixth picture according to the thumbnails.

Yeah I'm not kidding. This is the sixth pic. Awwwhhh Jesse McCartney, SHIRTLESS!! From the 'Leavin' music video. Don't even ask why I have this pic. I am a girl and I love hot guys like him and I saw this pic and downloaded it to my laptop. He is georgous, and I love his new album. He is also an actor. Remember Summerland??? He was so yummy in it. He once had that blonde hair lock and he chopped it of for a sort of a crew cut but still he can do no wrong. He looks good regardless. Marry me Jesse!!!!

That's all..

And I'm Tagging.....

Gosh..I don't have enough peeps to tag...

Hmmmm...

I tag...

Zarin

Pene

and the other peeps I follow have already been tagged..so nobody else..

First week

2009-05-06T13:42:00.000+08:00

I have been home for a week now after a very tough semester again. It was tougher than any other semesters that I have been through since becoming a so-called university student. I repeated a subject, there was that horrendous final drama, I got a zero on a test and I did poor in the final, and among other things, adding to all of that my grandfather was very sick and I wasn’t here at home. I was not having a problem at all leaving all the drama in campus because being home will make me forget all of the things in an instance but knowing that I will be home and see my grandfather so sick made it hard to get excited on going home. In all honesty, my whole university life was haunted by my grandfather being sick. Since the first semester of pre-degree he was diagnosed with cancer and at that time the doctors said there was nothing they can do anymore. So, my mother called me from home telling the bad news. I was furious rather than sad because how can somebody say there was nothing that they can do if he was just diagnosed. I insisted that he gone through an operation and he did but the result wasn’t good. Everybody was getting ready, you know even the doctors issued death certificate but somehow a miracle happened. It was like he rose from the dead. I came home that semester break thinking was my grandfather ever been sick the whole time because he looks just fine like the day I left him if not better. It was incredible. All my other family members saw him when he was very sick but I never saw him in that way. So to me it was like he never got sick. Mum told me that the doctors gave him 2 years. Boy, was the doctors right. I has been two years now and the first day I came home this holiday I wasn’t prepared for what I was about to see.

So, the week started on the first day when my mum and dad picked me up at the airport as usual. We grabbed something to eat and dropped to my aunt’s new house which she was and is still renovating. I arrived home almost 6 o’clock and I wanted to see grandpa but he went to the hospital because his legs and hands were swollen. When he arrived home I immediately ran to the car to see him. Man, I can honestly say that was one the most horrible feelings that I have ever had in my entire life seeing my grandpa like that. He didn’t look human to me. He couldn’t hear me and I did not think he recognized me. Yes, my mum told me beforehand that I should expect that but nothing can prepare me for that. It almost brought tears to my eyes but I was trying to keep it together. I was thinking to myself was that my real granpa who I went to the town with and chased me all around town when I was little and now he is lying lifeless on the bed. Now, I know how the rest of my family felt when he was very sick 2 years ago. It was hard to accept and until today I can’t bear seeing him like that. That was my first day of holiday.

Second day as usual I sent off my brothers and sisters and cousins to school so that everybody else can go to work early. It was just me, granpa and some other people in the house. Gosh, my granpa was constantly in pain and he would growl all the time because of the pain. We tried to make him as comfortable as we can. Despite all that I managed to go to KK to see Anna because she asked me to bring her SPM result to Sabah. I knew it was important to her so I went to see her and I brought Eno my bro and Timmy my cuz to tag along with me. I spent my last ringgit of my Shah Alam money buying them lunch. We went to pizza hut. Third day was Labour day. I forgot it was Labour day that day. Everybody was at home. That day just went on and off just like. I couldn’t remember a single thing about that day except that it was Labour day. The fourth day however was rather eventful. My family that night held a rosary prayer for my grandpa and we invited a few close family and friends. My aunt woke me up asking me to go to town with her to but groceries for that night. My sister and my cuz tagged along. My aunt spent a lot that day. So, we cooked, cut, baked did all other things for our guests that night. I was able to steal a few of those busy times to go play badminton mith my cuz. Dang, he’s getting good. After the rosary prayer that night I went to sleep early and woke up late the next day which was the fifth day resulting in me missing church. Nothing new there. I always have problems getting up in the morning for church and that day they didn’t even bother waking me up. They just left. The sixth day was Monday and daily routine kicked again. I remember I miraculously woke up at 5am and sent everyone to school. I cooked breakfast and slept the whole day and stayed up the whole night. Still I couldn’t break the Shah Alam habit of sleeping on the day and waking up at night. Finally yesterday, the seventh day as usual sent them to school. But, I did cook a new recipe. I was able to make pasta and after that I slept again the whole day and stayed up the whole night. Gosh. And today is not over yet….

To be continued…

When home seems so far away..

2009-05-06T02:02:00.004+08:00

So a few days ago I was still in S.Alam just finished my last paper. The next day I was about to board a plane and spend my holiday at home after being away from home for almost 5 whole months. But, somehow on that day home seemed so far away from me eventhough I was about to go home the next day. Don't get me wrong. I waited for one whole semester to go home and it was not that I was not excited to go home. I couldn't wait to go home especially after a long dreaded gap of 4 days before my final paper. (damn i can't stand those gaps, silly UiTM administration) The fact also that I could've gone home earlier almost made me wanna smash my head to the walls. I repeated one subject last semester and if it wasn't for that one last repeat paper I can go home early with others literature students. (I take Lit for my minor and we only have 2 final papers, other minor are Counselling and Music and their exam are still not over as I'm writing this, I feel you guys, just hold on) So, my point is right now I am so greatfull to be home but a few days ago home seemed so far away. Here's why..

1. I have not cleaned my room.

Well, my room looked like a shithole at that time because I was just a wreck. So, I wanted to clean my room first before leaving so that I don't have to come back to a shit hole. I had boxes all over the place, not to mention dust, dirty glasses everywhere, and don't even get me started on other things. I just want to have a new environment next semester and hope that with a new environment I can make my life more organized and you know achieve more. The thought of revamping the whole room in less than a day made home seemed so far away that day.

This is my room..spot the boxes and the mess..and I still have a smile on my face

2. Dirty Laundry

Oh my gosh! that is all I have to say about my dirty laundry. I had piles of them. One trip on the washing machine wouldn't be enough. Another problem was would it be dry by the time I have to leave the next day? Well, of course not. I could just go home but no way am I going to wear them again next semester. So, I was desperate. I have to wash them first before I can go home.

3. Nightmare closet.

I watched oprah a few years ago (yes, i have been watching oprah for a few years now). On the show, Oprah said that organizing your closet can change your life. Well, let me tell you she was right (to me oprah is always right). I tried it once and that definitely changed me in so many ways. My closet was a nightmare however and I did not want that thing to trouble me when I get back. So that was one more thing to worry about.

4. The car

Okay, after a very2 long dispute finally I got a car. Of course, when I go home someone needs to take care of it so I decided to send it over to my aunt. Wait, it wasn't that easy though. I can't just send the car just like that. I looked like shit and haven't been wash for years. I worked so hard to get that car and I need to prove that I can handle a car. So, I need to give the car in its best condition. That means I have to wash it and all other stuff. Hmmm. Not that I'm complaining that I have a car. It's just that home seemed so far away because of that.

Okay, that's four things. Actually there were more things I had to do that day but I just gave up. No way in hell I was going to do all the things that I was thinking in my mind that day in less than a day. So, I focused on those four things. Boy, was I exhausted. I did not sleep the whole night and I slept all the way through my flight to sabah. All 2 hours and 30 minutes of them I slept! Even in the waiting room before the gate I slept. I didn't even care if my bags were stolen. I just couldn't open my eyes. But, let me tell you one thing, If you put your mind to it, you can do anything. And, yup! I managed to finished all the four things on the list. Not perfectly thoughbut at least I left not with a heavy heart (although I wouldn't mind spending a few more days in the house to accompany myra, as, and nad my housemates, they take counselling, but too late I already bought my ticket and I can't just cancel them just like that, still kudos to them for staying and not go home, at least I have company) Well, okay the clothes were not all dry and myra helped me picked them up and everything else just falls into place and now I'm home.

That's when home seems so far away...

Back in the game

2009-04-27T22:52:00.002+08:00

So I haven't been updating my blog for months now. I don't know why but maybe I am just too lazy to do it. At times I feel like I have a lot of things to express but the thoughts last for a few days and then they are gone cos I'm just too lazy to open my blog and write something. I have what I think will be masterpiece when I put the thoughts into writing but that's just how far the thoughts would go. I'm not that fond of writing something just like that because I hate reading and I can imagine getting bored reading my own blog the same way I am bored reading other people's blog. No offence to other boggers. I just hate reading but what I like is writing poetry. I think it is one way of writing that is not boring and people can enjoy reading it. At least that's what I think. Well, now I am trying to change. I will try to write more and be more active in this blogging thing. I have this blogger account for quite a long time now and finally I decide to never let this account go astray again. I am back in the game. I will write everything that comes to mind from now on. Oh yeah I will..I hope so...

More to life than trying to survive...

2009-02-21T14:32:00.003+08:00

I watched him as he flew

Deep within the blue

A day out from a lonely hospital bed

There's nothing you can do

Someone gently says to me

The doctor says that now it won't be long

So I try to live up to the moment

Hope that I don't blow it

What is it in me that he sees?

To me I'm just a silly little girl in his eyes

But instead he puts his arms around my neck

And a struggling old man whispers in my ear

Tell me now can you feel it

I've been keeping company with the sweetest man

And hands down he's the best person I've ever known

He comes to me like a piece of the moon

He comes to me on the days when I need it most

Well even the moon fades away and nothing last forever

But you're just so fine the way you stand up to your fears

Even the most beautiful thing dies

And what's left are just moments we have together

My sister took pictures of me as I held you

I travel alone and the loneliness brings me to tears

But you're stronger than the hands that hold you

You sing along to the song on the radio

If I screwed up and I am reckless

Just this once can you forgive me

Tell me now can you feel it

Cos' I can't keep this all to myself

He's so elegent and he means it

So, no I can't keep it all to myself

I'd give my bones for you to get a few more years

Years for you and I

Cos' you're more to life than trying to survive

And I'll hold on to days gone by

I want years for you and I

I won't watch you as you slips away from me

I'll keep fingers crossed always for you

Cos' you're more to life than trying to survive.....

Walk on..

2009-02-20T20:01:00.001+08:00

I was heading down to somewhere with a suitcase in my hand
I was filled with love and grand illusions
And I left you by right there and your eyes were wet with tears
Mother you knew you had to let me go even after all these years
And she said walk on..you're alright..goodbye..

I found myself a new life
And I've been living with some friends
We hold on to dreams and live like Kings
Like the days would never end

And I left him by the frames
His eyes were wet with tears
Father you knew you had to let me go even after all these years
And he said..walk on..you're alright..goodbye..

Sometimes everything changes
Friends become strangers
What we hold so dear slips away
One thing is for sure
The past keeps on fading
We forget about everything
But I'll never forget all of you
It's hard because you are all apart of me
Even if you have to say..
Walk on..you're alright..goodbye..

And when one day I move out from this house
If ever..to start a family of my own
When I look into my daughter's eyes
I don't feel so alone
And as I walk her down to that somewhere
She would hold on to my hand
Mother you knew my eyes would be wet with tears
Now I understand
And I said..walk on..you're alright..Thank you..

Walk on..you're alright..Thank you..Hold on..

Another Casualty

Black and white

tumblr

Superman

saya kisah akan dunia yang tidak kisah

There is too much sadness in this world

All I need is some bitterness...Great!

Being lonely is only a part of me

That Fateful Trip

Stumbled Upon

In the words of Taylor Swift “Forever and Always”

Until Next Time (If ever)

Maybe it’s Time

Post this in my Tumblr long2 time ago...Enjoy!!!

Some of my stats in facebook…whenever i was mad…

dayum i curse a lot

click link below to see

Another One

Yep its me.....

Shouldn't the world stop? Don't they know what has happened to me?

Entrusted in Black and White

Mum Bday Nov 23rd last year....

Alvin Bryan Abun Tonyniari pulak bupday mami…. baru sya tau…. fesbuk memang sangat berguna….HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY…. mulai niari sy ingat… hahahahaa…..

Emilly Christal Carol TonyHappy Birthday Mummy ;D

Practicum

I Guess I was Tagged...by Mira

Pretend by Lights (A Cover by Me)

All Souls' Day

A special post

Suddenly

Certain and uncertainties in life

Who you are is what you dream of..nothing less than that...

Why Love?

Hell is so close, heaven's out of reach

Determined!

Depressed

Birthday Galore

I knew it…sooner or later…I will be tagged….

Dakota

Time doesn’t heal…at least for now…

Staying True to your Feelings

No 3...*sigh*

Found this instead of searching

materials for my research proposal....

Quite interesting...

9 Surprising Symptoms of Stress

See if your body is telling you that you’re too anxious and what you can do about it

.....

When all else fail....I turn to....YOU

Broke and broken...

What a day to give a damn!

Wooden, Untouched, Through a thick fake glass....

Hye...my name is....

Say it isn't so..

Fav Tv Shows/ Drama...

Bathed in Afterglow

hye there, weirdo.

Dearly beloved, are you listening?

Matters of the heart

Sentimental (not)

AaaaaRRrrrrrGGggGGGhhhHHhhh!!!!

Two days in a row! (A fried chicken and an insomnia tale)

Attack of the kittens; it sounds like poop...poop...poop! *die*

Out of nowhere!!

They just know how to do business

100th day (15 August 2009)

I wouldn't have it any different

Wish you were here

Highs and lows

I am a sore loser

I am a lazy ass!

Nurul Khalidah Aziz

Second week (The worst week of my life)

Tagged (for the first time)

First week

When home seems so far away..

Back in the game

More to life than trying to survive...

Walk on..

Alvin Bryan Abun Tonyniari pulak bupday mami…. baru sya tau…. fesbuk memang sangat berguna….
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY…. mulai niari sy ingat… hahahahaa…..

No 3...sigh

Attack of the kittens; it sounds like poop...poop...poop! die